How Do We Approach Expectations?

You may have heard the saying, “Expectations are resentments under construction,” or “Expectations only lead to disappointment.” Some philosophies suggest that letting go of expectations can lead to greater freedom and peace. For instance, monks seek enlightenment and fulfillment by practicing presence and releasing attachment to specific outcomes.

However, trying not to have expectations or disregarding our expectations may mean overlooking valuable internal information. Our expectations can provide insights into who we are, how we were raised, the models we’ve had in our lives, and how we respond to those influences. More often than not, they signal our wants and needs. Expectations can be beneficial if we understand the role they play in our relationships, where they come from, and how to cope when they are not met.

 

How Do Expectations, Wants, Needs, Standards and Fantasy Overlap and Influence One Another?

Figuring out the difference between our wants, needs, expectations, and standards can be tricky. They all influence each other, and sometimes the lines get blurry.

Expectations are what we believe will happen—or what we hope will happen. They come from our past experiences, social norms, and personal standards. Wants, on the other hand, are our desires. They can be small preferences or deep longings, but they aren’t necessary for survival. Needs, though, are different. They’re non-negotiable, even if what qualifies as a need can vary in importance from person to person.

Then there are standards. These act as benchmarks that shape what we consider acceptable or ideal, whether we set them ourselves or absorb them from society.

Fantasy also plays a role. It lets us imagine possibilities beyond our current reality, helping us explore desires and dream up ideal scenarios. While some fantasies are unrealistic, they can still inspire us and help clarify what we truly want and need.

Expectations are shaped by all of these—our wants, needs, standards and fantasies. They help us navigate relationships and decision-making, often without us even realizing it. But when we don’t take a step back to examine them, they can lead to frustration. Sometimes, we mistake a want for a need or set expectations based on an idealized version of reality.

Standards can push us to grow, but when they’re too high, they can make us feel like we’re constantly falling short. And fantasy? It can be both motivating and misleading. Our expectations often borrow from the versions of life we imagine, but if they’re too deeply rooted in fantasy, they set us up for disappointment.

The key to managing all of this is self-awareness. When we take a closer look at our expectations, we can ask ourselves: Where do they come from? Are they realistic? Are they helping or hurting me? By reflecting on these questions, we can avoid unnecessary frustration and focus on what truly brings us fulfillment.

 

How Do We Form Expectations?

We don’t just wake up one day with fully formed expectations about relationships. We pick them up over time—through cultural norms, personal experiences, and the relationships we see around us. From childhood, we learn what relationships “should” look like, how people in them behave, and what we should expect from love, friendship, and family.

These messages come from everywhere—our families, communities, the media we consume, and even the broader culture we’re a part of. And they don’t all align. Research confirms that factors like economic stability, family structure, and cultural background all contribute to how people perceive relationships, commitment, and partnership. Someone raised in a culture that values marriage as a key life milestone might feel pressured to prioritize it, while someone who grew up around more flexible relationship structures might have different expectations about commitment.

Even within families, expectations can clash. A first-generation adult with immigrant parents, for example, might feel torn between their family’s expectation of frequent communication and their own preference for independence. These differences don’t just influence major life choices—they shape everyday interactions, like how we interpret silence, handle conflict, and express care.

 

How Do Expectations Shape Our Relationships?

Our expectations act like a lens, shaping how we see our relationships and how we show up in them. When we expect things to go well, we tend to be more open, patient and engaged, which makes positive outcomes more likely. Studies show that having positive expectations about a relationship prompts people to communicate more openly and put in more effort, reinforcing the connection and creating a self-fulfilling cycle.

On the flip side, when we expect conflict or disappointment, we’re more likely to pull back, assume the worst, or react defensively. Findings indicate that unmet expectations, whether based on an ideal or alternative relationship, are linked to lower satisfaction, reduced commitment, and decreased investment in the current relationship. This can also become a self-fulfilling cycle—anticipating the worst sometimes leads us straight into it. When we’re caught in negative expectations, even neutral or well-intentioned actions can seem like confirmation of our fears.

Unmet expectations—especially when they’re built around an ideal or comparison to someone else’s relationship—can lead to dissatisfaction, frustration, and distance. This is why managing expectations is so important. It’s not about lowering our standards; it’s about making sure they serve us rather than setting us up for disappointment.

 

What Can We Do When Our Expectations Aren’t Met?

Ask Yourself: Where Is This Expectation Coming From?:

If you’ve ever felt let down by someone, it helps to pause and reflect: Where did this expectation come from? Was it shaped by past experiences? Social norms? An idealized version of how things “should” be?

It’s also worth asking: What would it mean if this expectation was—or wasn’t—met? Sometimes, we realize that an expectation isn’t just about what’s happening in the moment but is tied to something deeper, like wanting to feel valued or secure. Getting curious about our expectations helps us separate what’s necessary from what might be flexible.

Communicate Your Expectations Clearly:

One of the biggest pitfalls in relationships is expecting people to just know what we want—without ever telling them. When that doesn’t happen, we end up hurt or disappointed, even though we never gave them the chance to meet our needs in the first place.

Clear communication makes all the difference. If your birthday is coming up and you want to celebrate, you can say that instead of hoping someone will surprise you with plans. If you need more support from a friend, you can express that instead of waiting for them to notice you’re struggling.

When we name what matters to us, we make space for deeper connections. It’s not about making demands—it’s about giving people the opportunity to show up for us in ways that are meaningful.

Know the Difference Between Wants and Needs:

Not everything we want in a relationship is a must-have. Some things—like respect, honesty, and emotional safety—are essential. Others—like how often someone texts back or whether they plan elaborate surprises—are more about preference.

It helps to distinguish between the two. What’s non-negotiable for you? What’s something you’d like but can be flexible on? Recognizing the difference can shift your focus from what’s missing to what’s possible within a relationship.

Hold Your Standards While Staying Flexible:

Even when we’re clear about what we need, the people in our lives won’t always get it right. Life is unpredictable, and people have their own limitations. Being adaptable doesn’t mean lowering your standards—it means recognizing that perfection isn’t the goal. Recognize that both partners bring their own backgrounds and expectations into the relationship, and finding a middle ground can strengthen the partnership. Just like we’d want others to be patient and understanding with us, we can extend the same grace in return.

At the same time, adaptability shouldn’t come at the cost of our own well-being. If you consistently express your needs and someone is unwilling or unable to meet them, it may be worth reassessing the relationship. Sometimes, stepping back or setting boundaries is the healthiest choice.

Managing expectations isn’t about settling for less—it’s about setting ourselves up for relationships that feel fulfilling, realistic and rooted in mutual understanding. The more we examine, communicate and adjust our expectations, the more space we create for meaningful connection and growth.

As we grow, so do our relationships and, in turn, our expectations within them. The more we reflect on where our expectations come from, communicate them openly and find a balance between holding our standards and staying flexible, the greater our chance of developing strong and fulfilling connections. No one gets it right all the time, and that’s okay—it can still help us when we understand ourselves and each other better. We hear at Courageous Counseling & Consulting hope you reach out if you’re struggling with approaching or understanding expectations in your relationships. We would be glad to help you understand your relationships, identify where you can be flexible and when it’s important to honor your standards.